There seems to be so much hurt in this world lately. Whether it’s another senseless act of terror or something that strikes closer to home like a devastating break up or the loss of a loved one, unfortunately, hurting is inevitable. Each one of us will get hurt at some point. The same can be said for those around us; none of us gets by unscathed in this life.
When we’re hurting, we can feel so raw and exposed that just we can’t take one more single thing. It almost seems as if the wind blows in the wrong direction it’ll knock us off our feet. Then along comes a well-meaning person who tries to “help” by offering some ill-guided advice which turns out to be the final straw. Then it’s as if we suffer a one-two punch where we encounter not only the blow that caused the initial hardship but also the injurious advice from the person who was only trying to help.
Lest you think I’m pointing fingers, I want to make it clear that I’m not immune from blundering through trying to help someone who’s hurting. Even though I truly want to help, I’ve been striking out lately.
You may not know my story. As a teenager, I was abducted by two criminals and eventually left for dead. Today, I am an author, coach, and I offer commentary on the national news on how people can be resilient and recover after everything from terrorist attacks to the day-to-day challenges we all face.
Suffice it to say, I should know this stuff. But I lately I’ve found myself grappling with it and floundering like anybody else.
Over the past six months, two dear childhood friends experienced the unthinkable: each of them lost their son. Each incident was unrelated; each was unexpected and came as a total shock to the communities, families, and my friends: the young men’s mothers.
Several months ago when Bobbi’s son Tay suddenly passed, I picked up the phone hoping to bridge the many years and a thousand miles between us as quickly as possible. I reached Bobbi’s voicemail, and I hesitated, dumbstruck, before finally leaving a message. “What do I say,” I wondered, “that can possibly make her feel better?” I rambled on for a moment, offering to do anything that I could, before eventually mumbling to a stop and hanging up. I felt terrible for having left such an incoherent voicemail, so I picked up the phone again, and called back. The second voicemail I left was even worse. I hoped the voicemail would get lost in the shuffle, and Bobbi would never get it, so that it wouldn’t somehow add to her pain rather than do what I’d hoped and help alleviate it.
By the time Heather lost her beloved son Devin a few weeks ago, I second-guessed myself out of making a call to her in the first place, and decided it was better for everyone if I didn’t call at all. I wrote to her instead.
“How could it be?” I asked myself, “that a so-called grief expert is this tongue-tied when it comes to consoling a grieving friend?” The following morning I had a long-standing monthly breakfast with two cherished friends – both of whom have dealt with their fair share of hurt lately – so I broached the subject with them. The consensus was that despite our best intentions, each of us has experienced feeling clumsy and self-conscious when attempting to offer solace for a grieving friend or family member. “When my husband left, people said the most hurtful things,” one of my friends said, sipping her coffee, “but the kicker is, I know they were just trying to help.” We all nodded in agreement; we were sure each of us had been on both sides of that equation more than once.
As I drove home from breakfast, I resolved to use what I was personally grappling with to “crack the code” for other people.
What about you? Have you ever reached for just the right thing to say to someone who was in the grips of grief, heartache, or hurt, and found yourself at a loss? Worse yet, have you tried to help someone but soon learned you’d inadvertently done damage instead?
If so, this video will help. In it, I lay out everything not to say when someone in your life is hurting.
Many of these things are counter-intuitive; you may think they’re helping, but they actually might very well make things worse.
Watch this video before you do even one of them.
Once you watch the video, I’d love to hear from you. Use the comments section below to let me know what you’d add to the list. What have you found you should never say to someone who is hurting?
PS: If you enjoyed this post and video, stay tuned; my next piece is on exactly what to say to help someone who is hurting.
I think the worst after my mother died was “oh but you will always remember her looking young” my mother was ravaged with cancer and bloated from drugs, not young looking but in pain and looking nothing like my vibrant mother of the past.
Oh Jill. I’m so sorry you lost your mother, and I’m sorry that comment also left a scar. Thank you for joining in the conversation by sharing your story. I’m happy you’re here.
Thank you Cheryl. I found myself laughing and talking right back to you in this video. As I thought back, just saying I love you and you’re in my prayers is good. I was always taught, if you can’t think of anything nice to say keep your mouth shut. Sometimes news like this is so devistating I can’t even speak. That s when it is best to be quiet.
I just had to make the decision to put my little boy (dog) down a month ago. He was so sick and diabetes was getting worse. I heard him cry all the time. It’s been hard on me. This dog has been right there for me while I was crying and sick. I got comments like “it’s only a dog ” or ” you’re making too much of it”. It hurt so bad, I won’t share anything with those people again. This was family saying that. I will say this again. Thank God I met you in middle school. You are so awesome.
Pamela, I’m thrilled that the video brought some levity and light to all you’ve been dealing with. I know you’ve had it rough lately. If there’s one thing I’ve found for certain it’s this: if we can find humor in the midst of adversity, we’re halfway there. Love you.
Thank you for sharing this. I don’t think I’ve witnessed a year where so many people around me, including myself, have had to deal with so many bad things, whether in their lives or in the world around them. There’s a fine line between being a friend and rubbing salt into a wound without meaning to. This is great advice and I’m sharing it with my Tribe.
Mark, I’ve witnessed something similar. I’m sorry you, too, have been dealing with so many bad things. Thank you for making a difference for your tribe — that’s just who you are; you’re someone who does that. I’m thrilled that this video is one more way you can contribute. Thanks.
Hi Cheryl,
Excellent compelling points about how not to be with those experiencing grief or hardship (…in a light entertaining way :-). I was in one of your seminars years ago, and saw you recently on the Dr. Drew TV show as a guest…you were awesome then and now …haven’t changed. I’m currently in a Psychology Dr. program; and agree it’s key (i.e., Carl Rogers, etc.) is to have an empathetic, non-judgemental listening stance with positive regard for clients (…or with friends going thru a difficult time).
Hi Rick,
Thank you for being here and contributing to the conversation, and thank you for your kind words. Of course I remember you. What a great thing it is that you’re in the Psychology Dr. program; that seems like such a wonderful way for you to contribute. Wishing you continued success!
The one I can’t stand to hear is, “Life goes on”!
OH! Sandra! You are absolutely right! Thank you for contributing that one to the list!
Eight years ago, I lost my soulmate dog, Max. I was having a horrible time with it and my former boss came into my office going on about how when her daughter’s cat had passed away, that she had never known anyone that loved and suffered over losing an animal like that. My office mate just looked at me incredulous and pointed at me. My boss was totally oblivious, or at least acted like she was.